Musings from Marseille
(Warning this is not depressing although it might be interpreted as such!)
Don’t get me wrong. I am perfectly happy. Actually I am a bit of a cross patch today but that has absolutely nothing to do with this blog. I was talking to “dear friend” on the phone the other night. How I miss telephone contact with friends. The only phone calls I ever get here on the landline are from my mother- guaranteed to twist my gut or make me stuff my knuckles into my mouth, to stop me from shouting at her loony thoughts, or from people trying to sell me life insurance – as if!! Anyway, “dear friend” reminded me that I had proclaimed a while back that I do not wish to live beyond the age of 60. That still stands and gives me another 3 potentially good years.
Don’t get me wrong, if I happen to wake up on May 26 2019, I am not going to take any action. If mother nature is mean enough not to listen to my simple wish of taking my last breath peacefully whilst I sleep (in my best primark pj’s!) and passing it on in a kiss to someone who really wants it, well what can I do? Nothing but this is why.
I don’t really want to get any older, not too keen on this ageing process. I find it demeaning. Basically it sucks. I am doing my very best to stay fit and healthy: quit smoking (finally and for the very last time – 11 months ago), joined a gym in February and have refound my rhythm 2/3 times a week and boy do I give it my best. Don’t quite cut the figure I did in my 20’s, 30’s or even 40’s but I do give it my all. And sometimes, just sometimes I come out feeling as if I could conquer the world. Normally though, I am just hot, sweaty and pink cheeked -ok red as a tomato! . I eat well, healthily and that comes naturally. So why?
I just figure that another 3 years will be enough. I still have dreams of having a little house here in France with flowers spilling out of pots and herbs growing in my kitchen garden. Frog dreams of having his ‘man shed’ to set up his tools and potter about on various little projects. Who knows, that might happen in which case I might beg for an extension. At the moment, none of this looks likely, however. Even if this did happen, I am not really sure that I like the way this world is going. So much violence, so much anger, so much loneliness- young and old alike.
On a purely selfish basis: I don’t want to age any more physically or mentally. I hate that I can’t read without my glasses and even sometimes with them. I hate that I have to stand back a bit from people so that they do not have fuzzy faces. I don’t want to lose my teeth, my hair or find my boobs at knee level. I have had fun. I have had two wonderful children and am really proud but I miss them enormously every day. I have had two important loves in my life and some really good friends, others who have just been transient. I have travelled – first class, business and low cost. I have stayed in some amazing hotels and some dives too. I have seen wonderful, wonderful things. I have seen terrible, terrible things too. I have laughed and hooted to the point of wetting myself. Forbid that this should happen in the future without laughing! In short, I have been blessed….